There’s an ugly man
(physically ugly
not to speak of the state of his soul)
who, while his wife is out of town
spends a week moisturizing his face with
Vitamin E CoQ10 with anti-oxidants
and after that
he thinks he looks like a angel
He sits in his recliner
and rubs his face
with admiring hands
watches commercials for Miracle Lift
and feels smug because he no longer needs it
Not only that
he believes that he has acquired a tan
as fine as if
he had just returned from two weeks
on the Riviera
and he’s not thinking “Redneck Riviera”
on the Florida Panhandle
where Hank William Jr. owns a country-western bar
but the real one
in the south of France
But when he goes out to his neighborhood watering hole
none of the women shares his illusion
To them he hasn’t changed
He’s still ugly as sin
He still has that gross wart on his cheek
He still looks fish-belly pale
They avoid him
won’t smile at him
or look in his direction
except one
who’s new to the hood
and is attracted by ugliness
I don’t know her past
but somehow she grew up believing
that ugliness and virility
were conjoined
It is a convenient belief
as she is ugly too
you might say monstrous
but only in a minor league way
maybe not even monstrous
It’s a subjective judgment
As we already know
the Ugly Man’s wife is out of town
so the coast is clear for him
and this monstrous maybe not so monstrous
woman to have an affair
The Ugly Man’s wife is not ugly
though she’s not pretty or handsome either
She’s just plain
but horribly overbearing
always telling Her Ugly Husband what to do
as if ugliness
gives her a permit to henpeck him to death
In a parking lot she never even lets him park by himself
She always has to tell him where to park
even if there are loads of empty spaces
and he could park anywhere
Really, they’ve been married so many years now
he doesn’t even know
what he wants anymore
even which parking space
But while she’s away with her boss at a convention
he acquired some Vitamin E CoQ10 with anti-oxidants
and used it liberally
so he accompanies the Ugly Woman From the Bar
to her flat
where they take off their clothes
but it must be guilt—
he can’t get it up
even though she does everything
she knows how to do
to excite him
They are both sorely disappointed
and get drunk
a self-pitying exercise
The next day they both have
terrible hangovers
and when the Ugly Man sees himself
in the bathroom mirror
he recognizes the Truth
